Change is a constant thought in my mind.
Just seven short months ago I was entering into a new phase in my life… but staying in the same place. I was graduating from college with a degree, and hopes for a bright future, but staying in the same city that I went to college in. The transition was as gradual as a transition could be. I was still living in the same house, with the same people, with the same boyfriend. Just now I was working a 9-5 and had a whole new set of responsibilities. I felt great, but not quite grown up yet.
Come August, I moved into a new apartment. It is my first apartment in which everything in it is mine, and my name is the only one on the lease. Over the past 5 months I have made it my home. When you walk in you can tell someone lives, works, eats, and plays here. I’m not sure how it happened but I feel like getting my own place kick-started me into what could be the rest of my life. Does that make sense? It sounds so motherly to talk about “keeping a home”. But really, having my own apartment has made me feel like more of an adult than I ever have in my life, even more than when I got my first job.
It has a second bedroom, which for a month I had an old roommate staying in before she started her life as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Paraguay. Shortly after, I had an old friend move in as a place to stay while she sorted things out. This week, she is moving out. Now I feel as though reality is really sinking in… I will live in my own apartment alone. What will it feel like? Will I notice a change?
I think I will. I feel like on my last post I was itching for something new and exciting, and I mentioned trying to make the change within myself, instead of expecting everything around me to do the work for me. Well as I look closer each day is a change.. whether it be transitioning to life alone, hanging up a new piece of artwork, making coasters for my coffee table, or cleaning. Getting out of a relationship, learning about “keeping up” friendships with people I was so used to seeing every day. I am easing myself into not only adulthood, but what could be habits that I have for the rest of my life. I’m scared. Sort of.
I feel like that stage I stood on and received my diploma on was ages ago. But I can’t decide… Do I like it?
Well, well, well. Hello There.
Instead of making excuses I will simply say I forgot about this blog. Perhaps I was busy, perhaps there was a reason why. Bottom line, it is time to begin again.
After I graduated this past May, my life changed. I was hired on by a local CBS station, specifically covering the Northern Colorado region as a full time producer. My second day on the job, the High Park Fire sparked… changing the landscape of the land. Bringing sadness to a normally vibrant, happy community. It burned hundreds of homes and claimed the life of one woman who perished in the cabin that she loved. The High Park Fire was my first bite of news that left me with a bad taste in my mouth. It brought me back to the helpless feeling I felt in Japan when the tsunami came to shore. But this time… I could report on it. I was proud of myself, and I still am.
I have now worked at this station for 101 days. But things have changed in my life, and things have changed here. The city is still one of the most wonderful places to live but it is almost as though the heat of this summer and the burning of the fire left me feeling like all I had left was ashes and memories. Memories of college, my friends who have returned home, moved away, gone to Paraguay. Ashes of a relationship that has left me feeling alone and empty.
But this is not to say that I am not happy. Lately, when I am feeling down, there has been a surprise waiting around the corner. Whether that’s a trip back East, good news at work, flowers, a warm day, a squeeze of hand, a puppy’s tail, or a renewed friendship that brings me happiness and hope that truly life is unpredictable, in the best way.
Yet still I want more. I find myself wishing for that feeling I had before my job. It was like wandering around in the dark (I’m night blind) and although I have no clue where the heck I am or where I’m going… I know that when the lights turn on I’ll be surrounded by the most beautiful unknown scenery. Right now that feeling is fading. I’m turning corners but not surprised by what’s on the other side.
This may mean something else, though. Maybe now the surprises I need to find are within myself. Test my limits, see what my body and my mind can do.
Or maybe not.
There will be little rubs of disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if a first calculation is wrong, we make a second better; we find comfort somewhere…
In two days it will be the one year anniversary of the Tohoku Earthquake/ disaster. It’s one of the most difficult things to wrap my head around. One year ago I was exploring the unique and amazing country that is Japan, and disaster of insane proportions hits. And the world goes on. So did mine.
A year later I find myself re-reading my blog (wishing I had kept up with it) wishing that I was back at that time. When all I was worried about was seeing as much of my host country as I could. But now, college graduation looms. It seems as though there is no more perfect time to resume this blog.
This will now be dedicated to something new. In some ways though, it is the exact same topic. My everyday dealings with not knowing what will happen the next day, or in my future. So here goes nothing.
I am a Journalism major with a concentration in TV News and Video production. Wow. In two months time, I will never say that phrase again. No one will ask me what my major is anymore. It will now go something like this: I have a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism from Colorado State University. And what do I have to show for it? Cue the college graduate complaining speech. Well, not so fast. I have a lot to show for it.
1. I have met the most amazing and kind people in Colorado (not quite as polite as the Japanese, but who could be as polite as them?). They love nature, getting to know people they don’t know and having a great time just being Coloradoans.
2. Colorado State was the answer to my prayers. Located in the small vibrant city of Fort Collins (voted best place to live by money magazine like 3 times or something) it is the home to a eclectic group. Now, don’t get me wrong. There is no racial diversity here (con). There is, however, very many different types of people. Hippies, christians, farm kids, nature lovers, music/bike enthusiasts. When I moved here I wanted to shock my system. Almost the same feeling I had when I chose to study abroad in Japan. I needed new people, new scenery, new experiences- for myself. And CSU gave me all of that.
3. My education. I have learned all of the skills I need to be television based journalist and work in a professional news environment. Now, how many kids can say that? I have done every job imaginable at our campus television station and currently intern at KUSA-TV in Denver (9news) which is an honor. I can honestly say I am prepared.
But—really though— now what? I find myself at this terrible crossroads. I have positioned myself so that I could join the work force now and live my life. But, I’m still just 21 years old. I may have all the skills I need, but I’m not ready yet. I need adventure. Costa Rica, Japan… the two other countries I’ve lived in have given me this undying passion for travel. I want to teach English in south east Asia. Now its just a matter of how (i’m talking about money).
So watch me post and see what happens. Where will I live after graduation? How will I make money?
Oh, the places you’ll go…
Did you know Shiba Inu’s are Japanese dogs? Inu literally means dog, while Shiba means small. Its the smallest of the breeds from Japan.